A bittersweet scotch

-Ah Pablo, le donne non le capisco più. E gli omuncoli psicolabili che le rincorrono con promesse paracule li capisco ancora meno. Forse dovrei dedicarmi alla pastorizia o al bird watching oppure diventare maestro di Hatha yoga, sai quelle attività che ti avvolgono completamente e non ti lasciano il tempo di masturbarti le meningi. Pensaci un attimo, se coltivi un orto o segui un corso di matematica, non hai il tempo per raccontarti il tuo presunto vuoto interiore, quindi non sentirai nemmeno la necessità di tapparlo con qualcuno.

-Non è così facile, Jack. Sarebbe solo temporaneo. Noi non siamo fatti per stare soli. Non ci sappiamo stare.

-Stronzate! Guarda Lucius, quando Margareth l’ha buttato fuori di casa che ha fatto? Si è dato alla pesca. S’è comprato l’attrezzatura, una barchetta da riverniciare e l’ha pure chiamata Giovanna, come la sua amante. Geniale! Se non ci pensa lui alle donne, con tutti i tempi morti tra un pesce e l’altro, io potrò solo fare di meglio.

-Già, è probabile che non ci pensi, l’altro ieri ha preso il largo con una bottiglia di Lagavulin. Chissà che razza di pesci credeva di trovare.

Fu così che iniziammo a ridere delle sventure di Lucius, tra uno scotch e l’altro. Nel giro di un anno era diventato cornuto, aveva perso due denti facendo a cazzotti col giovanotto che faceva le sue veci quando Margareth era da sola, e una volta trovata una brava donna da sposare s’era ingazzurrito tutt’ad un tratto, e aveva pensato bene di fare le moine alla sorella più giovane. Lui sì che dalle donne doveva stare alla larga. Jack invece mi sembrava un po’ drastico, passare dall’essere un donnaiolo all’assoluta castità mi pareva una follia. Ma gli avremmo sicuramente trovato qualcosa di più edificante per impegnare le giornate.

Quella sera feci l’ultimo brindisi e chiesi a Sam di segnare sul mio conto. Diedi una pacca sulla spalla di Jack, che continuava a trangugiare scotch con quel faccione paonazzo, uscii e me ne andai dalla mia Cathleen.

Come al solito tornando verso casa mi accesi un Cohiba e me lo gustai nel silenzio sereno della strada meno trafficata di New London. Adoravo passeggiare lentamente in solitaria di notte e assaporare adagio il mio sigaro. Il preferito di sempre era il Robusto di Cohiba, per l’aroma deciso e persistente. Fumarlo mi svuotava completamente la testa, mi faceva sentire più leggero. Ero convinto che facesse persino passare la sbronza. Ma ciò che mi piaceva di più era il retrogusto che mi accompagnava dopo, a braciere spento. Arrivavo da Cathleen come purificato. Mentre lei detestava quel saporaccio di <<foglie marce putrefatte >> e mi costringeva a fare gargarismi di collutorio prima di poterla baciare.

Non poteva immaginare la violenza che mi infliggeva ogni volta che mi accompagnava al mobiletto del bagno, e restava lì a controllarmi con la testa inclinata e le mani sui fianchi, fingendo quell’aria severa mentre io facevo il mio dovere.

<<Su, sciacqua bene un altro po’>> disse sventolando la mano per farmi fretta, <<quando la smetterai di sprecar soldi per quella porcheria infestante? Ma dico, non potresti ubriacarti come fanno tutti?>>

<<Non preoccuparti, mi do da fare>> risposi dopo aver sputato nel lavandino l’ultimo shottino verde schiumoso. E, lasciata sullo specchio la mia faccia inebetita, indossai le vesti di macho caliente e come un toro imbufalito me la caricai sulle spalle lasciando che sventolasse le gambe nude all’aria.

Avevo un sapore davvero terribile in bocca, ma sopportavo sommessamente solo per poterla sentire ansimare <<Ohh Pablito, Pablito mio>> mentre si dimenava come una furia e mi piantava le unghie sul collo, dietro le orecchie.

 

Si dice che se c’è qualcosa che infonde sicurezza in un uomo di Old Lyme è una donna che sotto le lenzuola si comporta come una coniglietta di Play Boy e fuori dal letto come la più inguardabile delle racchie. Non fraintendetemi, non condivido questa visione orribilmente maschilista, ma in un certo senso dice due cose vere: dice che siamo profondamente insicuri, e dice anche che Cathleen è perfetta per un uomo come me. Il suo viso delicato e misterioso nasconde una carica passionale che fa concorrenza alle femmine ispaniche, nonostante sia americana e per un quarto europea; la nonna scozzese le ha tramandato la dedizione per la famiglia, l’importanza dell’indipendenza economica e, soprattutto, la fedeltà. Per questo mi sentivo un Pablo fortunato mentre preparava le omelette per colazione, canticchiando e sculettando dentro quelle mutandine di pizzo che la sera prima mi avevano fatto raddrizzare anche i peli sulle braccia

<<Tesoro,>> mi disse mentre masticava un pezzo di pane e riempiva il mio piatto, <<ricordi quel progetto ecosostenibile di cui ti ho parlato tempo fa?>>, annuii, mentre mi sistemavo un fazzoletto al collo per non sporcare la camicia, <<pare che ai piani alti abbiano dato l’ok, mi hanno telefonato poco fa. Devo prendere un volo per New York, starò via due, al massimo tre giorni>>.

<<Fantastico amore>> le risposi a bocca piena, <<te lo meriti, ci hai lavorato tanto>>

<<Sì, mi sono data un bel da fare.  E’ una grande occasione>>

<<Sicuro, bellezza>> ribattei rapido senza alzare lo sguardo dal piatto.

<<Sei affamato stamani, eh…>> disse, mentre sbucciava della frutta.

<<L’amore tantrico mi mette appetito>> borbottai lanciandole un’occhiatina maliziosa prima di finire l’ultimo boccone. Le dissi che avrei approfittato della sua assenza per andare a pescare con Lucius e Jack, ma non sentì perché stava azionando il frullatore.

<<Dicevo che al tuo ritorno potremmo trascorrere un week end sul fiume, darò una sistemata alla casetta, vedrai sarà bellissimo.>>

<<So che mi stupirai!>> disse suadente lisciandosi una treccina. La baciai intensamente e uscii per andare a lavoro.

 

All’epoca lavoravo per uno studio notarile, mi occupavo di scartoffie, mi rompevo parecchio le palle e avevo molto tempo per pensare.

E le 7 di sera significavano solo due cose: bicchieri sempre pieni e grosse risate, specie se stava cominciando il week end. Così feci un salto a casa a cambiarmi e raggiunsi gli altri balordi al Black Demon.

Quando entrai fui travolto da una nebbia di fumo, il bar era già affollato, adocchiai Lucius al bancone col suo solito whiskey e una camicia a quadri da fattore del Kentucky, lo raggiunsi. Da quando era stato lasciato dalla quasi-moglie s’era tutto richiuso in se stesso come un riccio, e risultava difficile parlare di qualcosa che andasse oltre le stronzate, <<Allora bello mio,>> dissi posandogli una mano sulla spalla <<che si beve stasera?>>

Alzò il bicchiere verso gli dèi, e in tono solenne disse <<Lagavulin invecchiato 21 anni! Prendilo anche tu Pablo, tanto stasera paga Jack. E’ là che gioca a poker con dei turisti, li sta facendo neri, quel diavolo!>>

Mi feci riempire il bicchiere, gli dissi della partenza di Cathleen e dell’uscita in barca che avremmo potuto organizzare. Fu subito entusiasta della proposta, e mi confessò che pescare in solitaria un po’ lo deprimeva, mentre io sfoderavo dal taschino della giacca il mio Cohiba.

<<Dovresti smetterla anche tu con quella roba infestante. Alle donne fa schifo, non l’hai ancora capito?>> disse Jack mentre ci raggiungeva al bancone, con aria compiaciuta.

<<Ahah anche Cathleen lo chiama così. Se solo provasse una volta ad assaporarlo cambierebbe idea>>.

<<E tu ce la vedi Cathy, col sigaro in mano mentre cinguetta di smalti per unghie e creme idratanti? Puah, che orrore!>>

<<Cathy? E’ dai tempi del College che non la sento chiamare così>> dissi sorpreso, <<Ma sì, hai ragione, una donna col sigaro è tutt’altro che sexy. Persino Cathleen>>.

Jack ordinò da bere per tutti: <<Quei polletti li ho spennati per bene, stasera offro io!>> urlò a Sam, battendo la mano sul bancone.

La serata filò liscia senza zuffe, ma non avevo mangiato nulla e tutto quel whiskey mi aveva stordito parecchio, decisi di andarmene a casa abbastanza presto: <<Allora Lucius, per domani siamo d’accordo, l’attrezzatura per pescare la porti tu?>> chiesi.

<<E la tua Giovanna è pronta per essere cavalcata da un vero maschio sulle acque torbide del Connecticut?>> mi interruppe Jack, col tipico sguardo di chi dovrebbe smettere di bere, ma sa che la nottata è ancora lunga.

<<Possibile che pensi solamente a fottere, tu? Non stavi dicendo poco fa che vuoi levarti le donne dalla testa?!>> tuonò Lucius, <<comunque si, tutto pronto. In tarda mattinata io sono libero, vediamoci in piazza intorno alle 12>>.

Li salutai e me ne andai a dormire.

Mi coricai nella parte di letto di Cathleen, per sentirmi meno solo, avvolto dal suo odore. E le ultime parole che riecheggiavano nella mia testa mezza sbronza uscivano stridule dalla bocca di Jack, suonavano cupe inquietanti e grottesche; più che di donne sembrava parlasse di formiche carnivore su una carcassa.

 

Alle 12.40 sotto il sole a picco in Piazza Roosvelt, di Jack Anderson nemmeno l’ombra. Lucius lo aveva chiamato già diverse volte, ma il telefono era staccato. Riprovò, mentre io caricavo le canne da pesca in macchina. Sembrava preoccupato, disse che la sera prima era veramente di fuori, vaneggiava e continuava a bere come una spugna.

<<Sta’ tranquillo amico, fa sempre così. Poi quando arriva al culmine butta tutto fuori e il giorno dopo è di nuovo vispo e brillante>>.

Trascorse un paio d’ore ci dividemmo per andare a cercarlo. Lucius avrebbe guardato a casa sua e dalla sorella, io invece avrei chiesto nei pressi del bar. Quando arrivai su Ferry Road vidi Sam che buttava la spazzatura, <<Hey amico, hai visto Jack? Sono tre ore che lo stiamo cercando per andare a pescare, ha il telefono staccato>>.

Quel fusto meticcio scosse la testa: <<Era conciato per bene stanotte, eh? E’ rimasto fino a chiusura. Delirava, non voleva tornare a casa. Chiedi a Jessie, è dentro a pulire>>.

Entrare al Black Demon in pieno giorno e trovarlo freddo, silenzioso e ordinato faceva un certo effetto.

<<Jessie?>> chiamai, non vedendola dietro al bancone. Jessie era il mezzobusto più sexy della contea: pelle mulatta, occhi maliziosi e chiari, e due tette, credetemi, da far commuovere, sempre incontenibili in quelle t-shirt strette e tirate, capaci di deformare qualunque figura. Del resto però nessuno l’aveva mai vista per intero, fuori dal bancone. Stava sempre là dietro ad ammiccare e spillare birre, a versare scotch a noi altri disgraziati tra una battuta di pessimo gusto e un complimento. Scontato dire che il vecchio Jack ci avesse messo su le zampe.

L’odore di disinfettante misto ad acqua stantia mi dava il vomito, eppure continuavo a guardarmi intorno incredulo, tutta quella polvere di tendaggi impregnati e divanetti sudati: sparita! Ingoiata dalle luci del giorno.

<<Jessiiie>> riprovai alzando la voce, mentre sbirciavo nei bagni. Mi affacciai anche sul retrobottega ma vidi solo pile su pile di scatoloni e bottiglie ammassate alla rinfusa, della barista maggiorata nessuna traccia. Mi tirai dietro la porta, quando sentii dei rumori nella sala da biliardo; eccola trovata, pensai.

Là, davanti alla sala vidi un secchio e accanto il cartello “pavimento bagnato”, spalancai la porta avendo l’accortezza di entrare in punta di piedi: <<Hey bellezza, hai visto Jack?>> riuscii a dire prima che mi si bloccasse la mandibola a mezz’aria e il fiato si mozzasse in un quasi-ictus: ed eccolo lì il mio amicone, afflitto e arrapato sul tavolo da biliardo, che affondava tutta la sua disperazione nella mia pallida e sudata, per un quarto europea, Cathleen.

 

2.767 thoughts on “A bittersweet scotch

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