Il verde mi sta bene

<<I sentimenti sono acquerellabili>>

<<Cosa?>>

<<I sentimenti sono acquerellabili>> disse più lentamente,

<<Puoi diluirli spalmarli soffiarci sopra per ottenere il tuo colore migliore. Puoi fare acrobazie.

Ma è quella goccia d’acqua che ti dà il potere. Capisci, è quella gocciolina del cazzo che deciderà quando bucarti il foglio.>>

<< L’imprevedibilità rende eccitanti le cose>> pensai a voce alta, <<Ma a volte un buco si può riparare>>

<<No. Un buco è un buco anche se ci ricami sopra>> ribatté sbrigativa. <<Dammi una sigaretta>> disse allungando una mano. Con l’altra sfilò di tasca l’accendino e lo avvicinò alla bocca, lasciando che illuminasse la sua bellezza disgraziata.

<<Lo sai di cosa lo riempirò ogni foglio bucato? Lo riempirò di magia! O, perché no, lo riempirò di solitudine, di squisita e pregiata solitudine>> disse versandosi il secondo o terzo bicchiere.

<<Perché l’Assenzio?>> le domandai, << Non sei mica Baudelaire, non lo beve più nessuno>>

<<Il verde mi sta bene. Me lo hai sempre detto tu.>> rispose avvicinando a sé il bicchiere, stringendolo come si stringe una tazza di tè fumante. Mi guardò con l’espressione di chi si sente in pericolo, la sua spavalderia era a un passo dalla catastrofe.

La salvai versando un bicchiere anche per me. Ingoiai un bel sorso, e subito dopo un rinculo acido mi squagliò l’esofago. Sorrisi.

<<Un giorno ho sentito un bambino dire: “Questo è l’albero della vita” mentre tracciava uno scarabocchio sulla sabbia>> disse imitandolo, <<Tornata a casa ho afferrato un pennarello nero e ho disegnato dei rami spessi sulla parete del salotto. Uno per ogni anima che non sono riuscita ad amare>>.

<<Come è stato?>> le chiesi

<<Liberatorio. Fare cose strane, è liberatorio. Ci prendi gusto.>> disse accendendo un’altra sigaretta. <<Poi un giorno non le trovi più tanto strane e sei libera. Ma la libertà crea dipendenza, e così ti accorgi che non lo sei più>> sbuffò verso l’alto il fumo e l’imperiosità di quelle parole, <<Qual è…Qual è il confine tra l’essere liberi e l’essere prigionieri della propria libertà?>>

<<Un cancello>> risposi secca, <<Basterebbe un cancello da scavalcare>>.

Mi sorrise rassicurata; prima di tornare a scavare tra i rifiuti del suo tormento, che passava dai tremori che ogni tanto le scuotevano le spalle.

Saremmo potute andare avanti così all’infinito, lei con le sue domande inconsistenti aggrappate a una mongolfiera, ed io che cercavo ogni volta una risposta convinta, che le intimasse “Stai qui”.

Non era facile starle appresso, nemmeno per lei.

Si divincolava da se stessa, convinta che la parte migliore fosse quella che rovesciava fuori dai bicchieri.

Sentì delle voci e si girò di scatto, dei ragazzini sederono al tavolo accanto al nostro. Sembrò sorpresa nel vedere altra gente oltre a noi, lì nella piazzola.

Il cameriere arrivò con una ciotola di salatini.

<<Non li abbiamo chiesti noi>> gli disse bruscamente cacciandolo con un gesto della mano.

<<Lo so, questi ve li offriamo>> rispose sorridendo.

<<E perché? Non li vogliamo. Non ci servono>> ribatté irritata.

<<Grazie, molto gentile>> dissi io, allungai la mano verso la ciotola interrompendo l’imbarazzo evidente del ragazzo, che tornò dentro col vassoio vuoto.

Lei mi adocchiò con rimprovero e disse: <<Perché li hai accettati? E’ un’offesa. Crede che due donne non possano gustarsi una bottiglia? Ti sembro ubriaca? Non si può più trovare pace. Non si è al sicuro nemmeno in un bar>>.

<<Smettila dai, non puoi dire tutto quello che ti passa per la testa. Non avere filtri non è sempre la scelta migliore>> dissi cercando di calmarla.

<<I filtri son buoni solo per rollarsi i drum>>.

Mi guardò con aria di sfida immergendo una mano nel bicchiere, e mescolò per alcuni minuti durante i quali non mi tolse il suo ghigno felino di dosso. Mescolava e sorrideva, mescolava e sorrideva.

Poi sguazzò con le dita nell’Assenzio versato sul tavolino, simulando un pennello. Spalmò. Sfumò.

Diluì rovesciandone ancora un po’ dal bicchiere.

<<Che cosa stai disegnando?>> le chiesi

Non rispose.

Inclinai la testa per vedere meglio. Immaginai. Provai chiedere:<<Sono rami quelli?>> Ma restò nel suo mutismo, non mi stava più ascoltando. Era fatta così, poteva travolgerti come una furia esaltata e allo stesso tempo starsene seduta a fissare qualcosa senza dirti assolutamente nulla per ore.

Era concentrata nel suo visionario capolavoro, quando uno dei ragazzini accanto bisbigliò qualcosa e tutti si misero a ridere.

Lei si voltò di scatto e grugnì avvelenata: <<Va all’inferno!>>

<<Hey>> le dissi dandole un colpo sul braccio, <<sono dei ragazzini, lasciali perdere. Sei sempre esagerata!>>

<<E’ la cosa che mi riesce meglio>> rispose continuando ad acquerellare il tavolo.

Tirò qualche occhiata dietro per capire se stessero ancora ridendo di lei, continuando a spalmare e spennellare, coi polpastrelli avvizziti. Non gliela diede vinta.

Aspettava l’ultima gocciolina del cazzo, ma l’ultima goccia non arrivava mai. La superficie del tavolo non si intaccava, e lei non aveva più un buco sul quale tormentarsi.

Rideva. O forse, a guardare meglio, singhiozzava. Completamente risucchiata dal Verde, dalla magia, dalla sua squisita solitudine, ingannevole e risoluta come il cemento.

Poi di colpo balzò in piedi, con gli occhi gonfi e un sorriso incredibile.

<<Che fai?>> le domandai guardando la pozzanghera sul tavolo, <<è completa la tua opera?>>

<<No. Non è ancora finita>> disse afferrando la bottiglia. La prese per il collo e la scaraventò sul tavolo con tutta la forza che le era rimasta in corpo.

Mi guardò prima di allontanarsi, portandosi via il mio stupore.

Capii che nessuno avrebbe potuto salvarla.

Nemmeno io.

Ma mentre raccoglievo i vetri mi chiedevo: “Cosa c’è di più intrigante di una bellezza ferita?”

E così la seguivo, da lontano. Continuavo a guardare il suo dolore splendente scivolare tra la gente.

 

 

 

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